SIGN ME UP!
My friend Jeff Whitty, pissed off and unable to sleep at 3AM, fires up his high powered creative intellect and comes up with this absolutely pitch perfect manifesto in response to the New York State Senate killing gay marriage in that state — along with all the other outrages that we’ve had to suffer recently.
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Since the founding of the United States of America, its queer citizens have duly paid their federal and state taxes in order to better the nation for themselves and their fellows. However, because representatives of both political parties refuse just and equal civil freedoms to these United States citizens, including the freedom to marry one’s life partner, gay and lesbian and trans citizens demand a discount from this day forward.
One can forgive the lack of awareness of our forefathers and foremothers. But as we enter the second decade of the millenium, we’re done educating you people. We, the gay, lesbian and trans semi-citizens of the United States, have done our part. More than our part, in fact. Our representatives, Democrat and Republican alike, are failing theirs.
The United States Constitution famously set the value of a member of a despised minority at three-fifths of a person. Therefore from now on gay and lesbian and trans citizens, represented by the Teabag Patriots, have decided that we shall only pay sixty percent of our federal and state taxes.
Until our governing bodies (from President Obama to the Congress to the courts) cease fostering an atmosphere that drives gay youth to suicide, that denies basic protections to gay families and makes them live as second-class citizens, and that rewards many religious organizations with tax-free status for openly fostering hatred toward us, a bullying hatred that encourages bigots to attack and kill gay and trans people in numbers that would startle straight people if they cared to read about them — until our governing bodies cut that behavior out, we’ll pay according to our status as not-quite-citizens.
In the meantime, straight people can pick up the slack. We’ve been buying wedding gifts for years for their marriages, more than half of which end in failure anyway. So now straight people can enjoy the freedoms promised by the United States of America — and pick up their share of the tab.
If straight people have a problem with this, they can imagine this second-person scenario:
You’re out at dinner with a friend. You get the prime rib and a bottle of nice wine. Your friend gets a side salad and a water. Would you really ask your friend to split the check evenly? Of course you wouldn’t, because you were raised right.
When gay men, lesbians, and the transgendered are treated as five-fifths of a human being, we’ll all happily pay our taxes accordingly. Until then, we will unite in high Teabaggery.
Teabaggers, unite!
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You can find the Facebook page for Teabag Patriots here.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:52 pm
I hadn’t thought about it in a long time since I am nearly 40 years old now but I am an example of someone who as a teen was driven to attempt suicide mainly because I realized I was gay and what that meant in this world of ours. As well, as a former Catholic I whole-heartedly agree the time has come to end tax-exempt status for religious organizations. Time and time again I see the destruction organized religion causes with their “anti-everything” views. The LGBT community though has a difficult task ahead of us with 33%+ of Americans firmly describing themselves as Evangelical or deeply religious. They truly are the American Taliban and are set on destroying the LGBT equality movement at any cost.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Love it! Hard to do much with 33 million taxpayers clogging the IRS sytem. Imagine how much would have to be spent on the governments part to process all of us!
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Here here !!!!!
December 3rd, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Well, I guess if the IRS doesn’t welcome our decision we can count on the lonely guys in the federal pen to appreciate our sacrifice! Of course, I guess a possible defense would be that locking us up is tantamount to supporting a gay lifestyle!
August 18th, 2010 at 9:46 am
I am here too.
jabberwockey2@hotmail.com