Got this from Stunning Sexy Guys a while back.

Tote up your penalties for all of the offenses listed below.  The ones in orange are offenses I am due a fine for and I’ve appended some comments to those that I’m personally guilty of by way of explanation.

• Smoked pot — $10 {Smoked pot?!?!  I think I smoked most of Columbia when I was in college and when an ounce of Gold was $35.}

• Did acid — $5 {Hell, I used to slam meth fer fucks sake!  That must be worth at least $1,000}

• Ever had sex at church — $25

• Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you — $40 {Frequently}

• Had sex for money — $100 {and for much more money than this pissy little fine I might add}

• Vandalized something — $20 {Shot gunning street signs is the state pastime in Kentucky for kids 18 years and younger.}

• Had sex on your parents’ bed — $10

• Beat up someone — $20 {several someones}

• Been jumped — $10 {see above}

• Cross dressed — $10 {But I looked like Shelly Winters in the Poseidon Adventure}

• Given money to stripper — $25 {see below}

• Been in love with a stripper — $20 {see above}

• Kissed someone who’s name you didn’t know — $0.10 {that’s who I usually try to kiss}

• Hit on some one of the same sex while at work — $15

• Ever drink and drive — $20 { This is actually the only one I’m ashamed of}

• Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk — $50 {I used to snort coke in my office}

• Used toys while having sex — $30 {my toy chest is in the Guinness Book of World Records}

• Got drunk, passed out and don’t remember the night before — $20 {Has anyone seen my 5 foot long double ended dildo?  It was right here last night!}

• Went skinny dipping — $5

• Had sex in a pool — $20

• Kissed someone of the same sex — $10 {Duh!}

• Had sex with someone of the same sex — $20 {?}

• Cheated on your significant other — $10 {Don’t you have to get caught before it counts as cheating?}

• Masturbated — $10 {I own a porn blog for God’s sake. That’s what I do ALL day.}

• Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend — $20 {Don’t you have to get caught before it counts as cheating?}

• Done oral — $5 {In a New York City Subway car}

• Got oral — $5 {See above}

And yes, Subway sex is not just possible but it happens quite frequently as this lovely pic snapped on the Broadway IRT clearly demonstrates

• Done / got oral in a car while it was moving — $25 {And then drove the car off the road while I came AND it was a Delorean}

• Stole something — $10

• Had sex with someone in jail — $25 {Had sex with Bill and he’s in jail but I don’t think that’s what this question is asking.}

• Made a nasty home video — $15 {Several and I still want that one back that you surreptitiously shot of me through our livingroom window without my permission Patrick!}

• Had a threesome — $50 {How many men does 3^9th equal because I’m pretty sure I did a group scene with that many once. Or twice.}

• Had sex in the wild — $20 {Patrick used to love having sex in the woods. And I could never get enough of The Ramble in Central Park.  Also, I’m pretty sure the public loo at the 86th and Lexington Avenue subway station counts as “the wild”.}

• Been in the same room while someone was having sex –$25 {Been in the same room with at least 4 score people having sex. And all of them with me.}

• Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars– $20

• Had sex with someone 10 years older — $20 {I don’t always trend toward the twinks}

• Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 — $25 {Got arrested having sex with a 17 year old.  In my defense he was in a bar when I picked him up and he told me he was 22.  Thank God the age of consent in that state was 17.}

• Been in love with two people or more at the same time– $50 {Much to my chagrin}

• Said you love someone but didn’t mean it — $25 {Much to my chagrin}

• Went streaking — $5 {There was shrinkage}

• Went streaking in broad daylight — $15 {There was a lot of shrinkage}

• Been arrested — $5 { Do I get bonus points for multiple arrests?}

• Spent time in jail — $15 {see above}

• Peed in the pool — $0.50 {How about shit in the pool?}

• Played spin the bottle — $5 {When I was 8 years old.  And with Joe from down the block. Joe’s mom wasn’t happy when she found out let me tell you.}

• Done something you regret — $20 {Very, very rarely}

• Had sex with your best friend — $20 {Most of the people I start out having sex with end up being my best friend.}

• Had sex with someone you work with at work — $25 {Yup}

• Had anal sex — $80 {Who’s writing these questions?}

• Lied to your mate — $5 {Don’t you have to get caught before it counts as a lie?}

• Lied to your mate about the sex being good — $25 {Only when I knew that doing so would result in me being given presents or money by the person I lied to. Otherwise if the sex was bad I usually let them know so they can try to bring their A game next time around. That is, if there’s gonna be a next time.}

I feel so dirty.  I’m not even gonna bother trying to total mine up.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 9th, 2010 at 6:49 am and is filed under My Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.